Assertiveness Training level 1 (I stand)

"What did you say to me, (explitives)?" Emotion laced words flowed fresh and alive from my mouth. Every muscle, every fiber of my being feeling the thrum of life as if for the first time, as I stepped up to Staff Sergeant P. Face to face, red countenanced, postures guarded, boundaries violated..then vindicated.

Muttered words instantly forgotten, as midstride confrontation stopped him like a red brick wall. Caught mid-mutter, wide-eyed in yet another degradation of my good name.

"NO...MORE!" "No more am I going to tolerate your unprofessional conduct, your disrespect against me" I spoke consumed with feelings long swallowed, choking at the relief like a breath too long held. I continued, "You mutter about me around officers around my junior Marines and around anyone you are trying to impress, it ends now!"

Words flow fumbled from his mouth, "I will do what you asked me to do." I had asked SSgt P to do something that the Marine Corps Orders require mere moments before. To which he replied that if I drop off the paperwork he would be more than happy to throw it away. Now when confronted with his inappropriate behavior he is more than happy to aquiese.

Words flow in quick succession like rehearsed, well oiled, machine gun volleys, "I told you that I would handle the paperwork and get it to where it needs to go since you weren't willing to cooperate, I am done talking about that, we are now discussing your inappropriate, unprofessional conduct towards me: You call me names, you mutter about me around people outside of our pay grade, you slander me behind my back. It all stops now. I don't disrespect you, I haven't once been unprofessional."

SSgt P retreated quickly onto his next destination. I stand.

Saying Goodbye (previous relationships)

Saying goodbye, to the one before,
Closing eyes and the door,
Getting up from the floor,
Looking again for something more,

Letting go of their hands,
Now ignoring their demands,
Silent now their voice of love,
Pushing away with a gentle shove,

Looking away to what can be,
Opening to new possibilities,
Walking back to visit you,
Walking away to something new,

Your mystery is not my tale,
Life’s too short, far too frail,
I have chartered a different course,
I will leave some time still, for remorse,

I have a smaller place for you,
A little corner that should do,
We tried, it didn’t work you see,
Thank you for giving me…me.

A lifetime of Mystery

Mystery is great. We love it. It makes a movie suspenseful, a play emotionally real. We have a few places where we like mystery. Mystery is great in small amounts. At the right time in a movie, right on cue in the first pages of a novel. Mystery is kind of like using salt and pepper, if you add too much the dish is unpalatable.

Many people percieve that mystery represents something dangerous, in the deepest shadows of mystery they see thier worst fears revealed. Others see the darkest parts of themselves when they peer into the shadows.

I offer that mystery is the natural phenomenon that occurs when thoughts and feelings come together in a way that doesn't make sense. Science attempts to measure and quantify mysteries. We have our theories, our deep discussions, and our beliefs, but the mysteries still remain.

Mystery has a new meaning to me and a clearly defined purpose. I believe mystery was created and spread with purpose across all areas of our existence very similar to salt and pepper added lightly to a meal.

I am discovery many places where I like mystery. I find a place in me that revels and appreciates mystery. A place in me that puts on the eyes of a child and stares in awe into the mysteries of this life.

One area in which I have recently discovered mystery is the beautiful creation of woman. I believe that God shared this part of His nature with woman. He built mystery into the heart of a woman so that she can never be figured out. She wants and even needs to be pursued. The more she is pursued the more deeply she is understood, and yet she remains a mystery, which lends itself to a lifetime of pursuit; a lifetime of mystery, as long as she is pursued.

This reflects a part of God's image, for God wants to be pursued, he defies being figured out. We have our theories, we write our books and grapple with each other as if we can ever grasp these mysteries. He allows us deeper, and enjoys our pursuit, and makes our investment passionately enjoyable.

Just another day in the desert?

I have been suprised at the changes that present themselves to me daily! I hear the same exclamation reiterated daily in different words from the Marines around me: "My life is on hold here in the Iraq desert."

While it is true that we have limited access to our families and loved ones and our 'lives' back in America, I have been shown that the potential for growth and for getting to know oneself has been increased exponentially. People pay good money to get this type of isolation from their daily lives.

Everyone of us looks at the same reality: WE ARE IN IRAQ. However we all draw different conclusions from the same data! Isn't that always the case? I work to get my Marines to see all that can be accomplished out here, I have completed online college classes and taken advantage of many other training opportunities. I have made new friends and renewed old friendships. I worked online to get support in the form of care packages and letters for my Marines to lift thier spirits from different sources.

The desert is lush if one looks with hungry eyes; hungry eyes that want growth; that require it. A thirsty soul that is only slaked with knowledge and wisdom. Many are content to fill themselves spiritually, mentally and emotionally the same way they fill themselves physically; with ambivalence, as if what one puts into one's body doesn't matter, perhaps thinking that some miracle occurs after eating fast food and it somehow becomes building blocks for a healthy body and a healthy life. The reality of course being that improper 'filling' creates deficiencies and drains the body's emergency stockpiles.

I look outside and inside here and I see an Oasis. Daily I find in myself the parched wanderer dragging myself to the Oasis again and again to fill myself with lifegiving substance. Ragged and weary, but determined. I look around at all the others that are pretending to be filled, but they look as ragged and weary as I, but they ignore the Oasis content to crunch on stale fears and insecurities and drink the tepid water of boredom.

Almost Done

Time has passed so quickly, I am getting all geared up to travel back to USA. It has been an uneventful deployment in regards to combat, but it has been life changing in regards to my family. In the last 6 months God has been opening my eyes to the unproportional amount I was giving compared to what I was recieving from the relationship. I was giving faithful loving support and getting drained of every positive emotion.

Oh well, live and learn, right? I guess I could go into the painful nuts and bolts, but summing it up as I have will have to suffice. I will be coming home to single parenthood. Setting up the house and the rules the way I want them to be. I will be making all the decisions in regard to my destiny. I have a lot going for me and not much slowing me down so I am very positive about this transition. I have paid my dues to Iraq.

I look forward to going to my church again. I look forward to making new friends and investing my life in the things that I like. I look forward to simple things like a hug, a relaxed talk while reclining on furniture, feeling winter, looking into a woman's eyes, taking a shower anytime I want, being able to go to my bathroom naked, doing my own laundry, wearing clothes that don't hide me, talking to a friend face to face, walking on grass, running on grass, wrestling in grass, fast internet, seeing my children again, playing with my children, hugging the stuffing out of my children, kissing my daughter's cheek, giving piggy back rides, showing my son how to be a man, talking with my dad while fishing, and feeling America beneath my feet.